It took me a few days to decide if I even wanted to share this with anyone, much less those I do not know personally. But, I thought about it for a while now and I think it is the right decision for me anyway. A way to share my feelings with all of you. While some will totally understand there will always be the ones that just do not, and never will. So, here goes.
During this pandemic, I will have been home for 3 weeks this Monday, April 6th. Alone, like many of you, just myself my cat and my little dog. They bring me a lot of joy and stay right by me, they love their Mama! Three weeks ago this Thursday, Mr. Shabby totally feel off the wagon, sadly. I was called by his boss Friday, March 20 after he has already missed Thursday. I hear you, I know what many of you are saying, from God bless you and him, to let it go he obviously enjoys this. I have even had people say, what are you going to do about it? Really, what can I do that I haven’t already?
Let me be very clear, very! Addiction, is addiction read that again!!!! When things get stressful in their lives whatever it is that sets them off they run to drugs to escape, feel better or not at all. Much like those of us that EAT to suppress their feelings, or light up that cigarette or joint, or pop the top on the next beer or pour that glass of wine, mixed drink you get it, to just DE-STRESS, right! To be clear and I am coming from a place of compassion because I too have my own issues. While I do not smoke, drink or do drugs, I love Dr. Pepper, you say well come on that’s ok. I have tried to stop drinking them and have for months on end, but let me crave one, just one and I’m right back on them daily.
What I am trying to say is this, I realized that if I could not totally walk away from Dr. Pepper after being told I had ulcers and not to drink them why in the world would I or could I expect someone anyone of you to walk away from your addiction, whatever it may be. I am concerned about Mr. Shabby during this time and this lets me know the man has a bigger problem than I ever thought. So, pray for him for us, our son and his soon to be son. It is hard enough with this pandemic. Many may be saying why, why do you care why have you not totally let go? To that I say this, I know the man, the Mr. Shabby, that is kind, thoughtful, helpful, loving, and hs been there for me through the years again and again when he is sober. The man that jumps the neighbor’s car off when it is pouring rain, simply because she asked.
You see, I know the man that has shared his fears with me, what it is like to want to use and fight that feeling until it wears you down. I know HIM. I love the man I married, the man he still is inside but, drugs have already taken his life, way before they probably will be the reason the takes his last breath! Be kind to others you never know how is facing what. I have had people say you’re a beautiful woman, you could have anyone you wanted. No, the one I want is sick, and I have no control over it and I am starting to see that he is weak there and has no control either in that area. I will take it one day at a time as I sit here at home alone. I have had so many people that called themselves friends but came after me about leaving him behind, forgetting him and moving on, some here but, most often it is the very ones that say this that have their own addictions they choose not to give up but expect others too. So, to that, I say shame of you, shame on you. If you do not agree with me here that is fine you never have to read anything I write again your choice. But, I will not allow others to degrade Mr. Shabby or me for my decisions to stand in the Gap for him with prayers to my God! Stay safe all of you, know that you are loved and I care. Remember that your very words to a loved one can be very hurtful, as we worry and love them just like you would if it were your son, or husband, wife, etc. You do not stop loving someone simply because they have an illness. So, yes, I finally think it is an illness, I truly do, I have seen it for years. You can think what you want about it, but if you have not been there up close and personal don’t judge, that is not your job, nor mine.
This is where I am right now, and you?
Debbie