Introduction to “My Thorns and His Grace”
It was the summer of 1960; I was five and remember it all so well as if it were yesterday. My Dad had come home from a day of drinking; something he did often, but only on the weekends back then but it escalated to more days, more often. He would always start a fight with my Mother for whatever reason. This particular evening my Mother did not and would not engage for whatever reason she just ignored Dad totally.
My Dad was a man’s man – the boss, and my Mother was the “little woman” that did what he asked for the most part – period. I guess you would say he was a male chauvinist back in the day. The wife stayed home, cooked, cleaned, and attended to the children and the husband; that was their job. Anyway, I remember it so well, my Dad kept on and on at Mother. He wanted to fight with her. It was upsetting to me to try to figure out at the age of 5 why Dad was nice Dad, mean Dad, a child that age doesn’t get it if they do not see the actual drinking and I did not my Dad did not drink at home he would leave nice then return the Mean Dad.
He had put his hands on my Mother many times and my little 5-year-old-self was so afraid this was going to be another one of those nights, and I would jump on him yelling, “stop! leave my Mother alone!” But, as it would turn out, my Mother put me to bed. She then got into the shower; as I could hear the water running from my room. My Dad then came into my room; he picked me up in my pajamas and carried me to the car. He placed me in the back seat and got up front and cranked the car. I said, “Dad wait, what about Mother?”
He said, “Mother isn’t coming this time; it’s just you and me.” I remember I started to cry because I knew at 5 it was mean Dad. I was afraid of him and All I wanted was my Mother. He drove and drove for what seemed like hours until we ended up at a motel. He paid the man, and off to our room we went with me crying even harder because I was so scared; who wouldn’t be at the age of 5 in 1960 when things were a lot different from today? I was sheltered, even though my Dad was a drinker; my Mother was not at all and had me in church every time the doors were open
Once we got, I guess you would call it, settled in the room; I call it “fear and Oh Lord where is my Mother? Take me home now!” Anyway, my Dad called my Mother and told her that he was going to Miami, Florida to his Mother’s and he was taking me with him and that it would be a long time before she would see me again. I could hear my Mother crying and pleading with him to bringing me back, to just bring me home and the two of them would talk and settle things. I began to cry even harder thinking about going away and not seeing my Mother for a long time. Now in a 5-year-old’s mind, this was unthinkable. Truly, I had no voice; I was simply a pawn in the hands of a drunk and a frantic woman on the other end of the phone trying hard to reason or comply with my Dad’s wishes or orders!
A couple of hours went by (as I was later told as an adult), but it seemed like weeks, and my Dad sobered up and we went home. It was now almost daylight and I remember my Mother running out to the car, opening the back door and picking me up in her arms, crying. She took me inside and looked me up and down and inside and out. She said, “it’s OK, you’re home now and Mommy is here.” She put me in her bed and lay down beside me until I fell asleep.
Waking up later that day, life went on as if nothing had ever happened. We didn’t speak about it; there were no apologies to that little 5-year-old who was in such fear the night before, nothing.
Did they not get it? How could they not have known they were setting examples for their child to grow up with fears of the unknown, and so many other things, simply by my Dad being drunk and not being accountable for his actions? This goes on more often than not in lives all across the world, but for my family, it was a way of life on a weekly basis.
Join me as I carry you through “My Thorns and His Grace” of my life. My thorns, are the places where, as a child, I learned distrust, betrayal, fear, my own addictions and what assault was – all for good reasons, but also, where I learned of His grace and how He covered me through it all and showed me how to move forward with a life now filled with joy, not pain – thankful now for the thorns and His grace.
Debbie, I didn’t get to read this blog post til tonight – my heart breaks for you and all those who have had traumatic experiences in childhood – especially awith an alcoholic parent! I grew up in a loving Christian home for the most part – but I’m married to a wonderful 66-yr-old man who had an alcoholic father, and even though both parents died many years ago, he still suffers severe anxiety attacks from time to time which is something he developed as a child because of his alcoholic father. My husband is the oldest of 8 siblings, and each of them have fought with addictions of alcohol or drugs at some point in their life, and it was primarily because they weren’t equipped to deal with the pain they had suffered from childhood. When I met my husband’s father, he had given up alcohol many years before, but he was dying of cancer and you could see the toll his alcohol abuse had taken on his body. My headband has lost all but 2 of his siblings to cancer in the last 10 years and he is so tender-hearted that at any given anniversary date of a birthday, or the day he lost a sibling to that horrible disease – he can fall apart fairly easily. He is a commercial construction job site Suoerintendent and Safety Officer, so he can’t afford to show his emotions on the job site – so he takes his prescribed anxiety meds daily. One of the meds, he takes daily and the other is to be used as a ‘band-aid’ when he feels these attacks coming on. He puts off taking that medication until he absolutely has to, because he knows of his family’s tendencies for addiction and he doesn’t want to go there – so he’s constantly torn about needing to take his meds and yet almost being afraid to do so….. all because of the childhood trauma of having an alcoholic father! With 8 kids to feed, he said things got so bad once that his Mom took the younger 4 kids and went home to her family in Maine, leaving the older 4 boys behind with their Dad. They eventually got back together, but that sense of abandonment affected each of those 8 kids in a multitude of ways! It’s so sad what many children are faced with in childhood! My husband’s Mother was a woman of faith, and although most of her children didn’t follow that path – my husband has said so many times that having God in his life is literally what saved him! And he is such an encourager to others who may be going through their own trials and tribulations, because he knows what it is they may be suffering through. I’m so sorry you had to live that out as a child, Debbie, but share your story and write your book! Tell others what you learned from it all and how you made it through, and Who was beside you every step of the way! I know it will encourage others who may be facing the same thing! God Bless You Debbie!
Mary, thank you, for sharing that. It touched me and I understood just what you were saying about medications, being careful not to get addicted. For me, it was a sign of being weak for years, having to take medication or a Dr saying that I needed it. I was like oh no I do not, I can do this on my own. But, it was God that gave me my strength to move forward. He has shown me that through Him no matter what I am not weak but I am strong. I am so blessed and to be honest a childhood that comes with such fear and dysfunction does cause some issues. They come on all forms. God bless your husband, Mary and you.
Love,
Debbie
Bless you. I know this story all too well. The only difference is I was the mommy not the child. Heartbreaking. ❤️ Love you
We can not control our lives much of the time, just how we respond to the good the bad and the ugly. I am blessed in so many ways and I thank God for that. Love you too, Lisa!
Wow! Such sad stories! Debbie, I hope you will continue to share as to what God leads you to share with those who care! My dad was an alcoholic as well, but we were blessed that he held a good job and provided for our family. He was what they call a functional alcoholic. Sadly, my brother became an alcoholic and my sister and I married men who became alcoholics! My sister’s husband quit after she threatened to leave and take their two daughters away. My brother is a recovering alcoholic when he almost killed himself in a motorcycle wreck! My husband, sadly, still drinks but has never been an abusive alcoholic! He can get ugly with his mouth but I’ve learned not to respond and he will mellow out. I guess I’m blessed that he isn’t an angry alcoholic. As he gets older the less he drinks! Go figure! That disease has destroyed many people’s lives!
On July 3rd in Odessa, Tx. a woman aged thirty six years old plowed through a barricade at a fireworks stand and killed twin girls, aged six. That one irresponsible act has devastated this area of Texas! All I can do is pray peace and comfort for those little girls family. I just say ‘mercy’ for that woman!😢.
Still keeping you and Mr. Shabby in my prayers! Love and blessings, Susan
Thank you, Susan, my Dad was the same he had the same job for 42 years. My Mother got a new car every two years, we lived in a new home they had built by the time I was 10, it was their 3rd home to buy. We never wanted for anything like food clothes etc. Just simply put he was an alcoholic and when he drank he was not nice, period no other way to say it. We saw things we should not have but, my brother and I both made it and maybe better for it.
Love,
Debbie
That’s so sad Debbie! Luckily my dad wasn’t mean.
It was sad, and hard at times but, it could have been much worse. So, I give all the glory to God for getting my family through it and over it.
Love,
Debbie
Debbie….Your story is not uncommon. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics. Paternal GF…began his drinking after losing his firstborn son at the age of 12. This was back in the 30s…he fell off a bed and hit his temple on a sharp corner of a bedside table…later died of a blood clot. That began his spiral….from what I was told he was not a mean drunk but it affected his life and the entire family. My dad said there were many nights they went to bed hungry…when he was sober he was a great man….but drunk..he used to tell my dad he would never amount to anything. At 17 my dad joined the Marines and was dispatched into the Korean war for 4 years. He sent his stipend to his mom so the younger kids and she could eat. One story my dad told me…when he was 6…my GF took him and they were hitchhiking to another town…a man had been murdered in the town they were dropped off in…long story short…police picked them up…ties to get my dad to touch the car..i.e. fingerprints…and they were going to pin it on my GF….at 6..my dad was smart enough not to do that..they were eventually let go…but how horrible is that for a child!???? My maternal GF on the other hand was a violent drunk…used to chase my grandma with knives, guns…throw food about if he didnt think it was good…stomped his dentures…just bad stuff. She finally left him after 34 years and he couldn’t understand WHY!!! INCREDIBLE!!!! NO WOMAN WANTS TO PUT UP WITH THAT… When I asked my grandma WHY she stayed with that…(because I’m pretty sure I might have killed him)…she said back then…women had no where to go….I’m sure that’s probably what your mother encountered. I’ve had to deal with that with my own husband…one day (while going thru menopause)…..he pulled one of those stunts
And I am pretty sure my face took on the features of a she devil because I laid it out….either knock that off as you are too old to be acting this way or I’m out…..it made an impression. If alcohol changes the personality of a person……this is when we have to be so careful because its then it usually becomes dangerous. My maternal GF did some really bad things to my GM which I will never forget about and I wont ever let happen to me or the females in my family….that kind of business is OVER. It’s important for us to talk about these kids of events….many times women think they’re alone!!!
Tina, God bless you, sweet sister. I feel it is very important now to share as well. But, years ago when God laid it on my heart to share my life story, I was like God, please, anything but that, do not make me share all of this and that with people I do not know. He impressed it upon my heart and I ran from it for a long time. He won and that is all I have to say there, LoL I gave in and each time I share another part of my childhood or teen into adult life He blesses me as well as so many that need to know God is Faithful and He never leaves our side, ever!
Love,
Debbie
Boy does this bring back many of my childhood memories, my father also was a drinker that would come home and argued with my mom when he was drunk. I remember stopping many of those arguments anyway I could. Hated it and it went on for many years. Debbie we have so much in common and are the same age, but you are a much stronger person and I enjoy your stories and can relate to so many of them. Can’t wait to read your entire book. God bless you!
Pat, it was a heck of a way to grow up, it was not what I wanted or dreamed of but, we made it out and the scars it left have all healed for me. It made me not want to live that kind of life myself. My dad worked hard had a great job of 42 years we did not do without anything. To the outside world, we looked like we had it all new homes new cars but, well, you know!
Love,
Debbie