Good Saturday evening, everyone.

First, I want to apologize for being away from the blog for so long. Please forgive me. I certainly hope all of you are doing well.

I haven’t been posting much on Facebook either. You remember that crazy situation when I deleted my page? Well, because one of my administrators, who also happens to be my blog programmer, didn’t sign off on it after the 30 days, the page somehow popped back up. I took that as a sign to just leave it alone for now. Occasionally, I’ll pop in and post something, but it’s certainly not like it used to be.

So much has changed in my life, and I know many of you can understand where I’m coming from.

It’s been 11 months now since I’ve been on my own, and I’ll be honest with you. It hasn’t gotten any easier.

I’m still in this house, with half of it completely closed off because I simply cannot afford to heat or cool the entire place. I went without air conditioning most of the summer, and I’ll go without heat as long as I possibly can. When I do turn it on, I’ll probably keep it set at 50 degrees.

This is a nice house. It’s been my home for almost 21 years, but it’s simply too much house, too much upkeep, and too much expense for one person.

When it was time for us to part ways and for him to leave, I don’t think I fully understood the financial hardship I would face by staying here alone. But, to be honest, I was so distraught from living with a narcissist that all I could think about was having peace of mind. I truly felt that if I didn’t find some peace, I might lose my mind.

So, here I am, 11 months later, still looking for a home.

Interest rates keep climbing, and every time I find something I like, I get a little more discouraged. Trying to get my home on the market and find something else where everything can coincide at the right time seems to be working against me.

I actually found a home that I thought might work. The seller and I were only $5,000 apart.

The lady had a story somewhat similar to mine. Her home was vacant, and she had moved to Texas to be with her family after her husband passed away. She had refinanced the home to pay off some of his medical debt, so she needed to walk away with a certain amount of money. And, of course, I needed to walk away with a certain amount from my home as well.

Our realtor tried, but we just couldn’t get that last $5,000 worked out. Neither of us could budge any further.

She was such a sweet lady, and we both understood each other’s circumstances. Sometimes, that’s just how things work out, even when you wish they didn’t.

Now, Christmas is coming.

I see people all over social media putting up their Christmas trees already. Folks in this neighborhood are getting their Christmas lights out, too. They go all out around here, and it takes so long to get everything decorated that they start early.

As for me? I plan on doing absolutely nothing.

I just can’t. Maybe it’s depression. And I say, “just depression,” but how awful is depression? It’s awful.

Or maybe it’s simply that this will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas in a home alone. In all 70 years of my life, I’ve never experienced the holidays this way.

I know some of you are probably thinking, “Debbie, get out there! Put up a tree. Make it special. Do something for yourself.”

Oh, how I wish I could. I swear I wish I could. But I just can’t seem to find it in me. Right now, I honestly don’t even care.

I was talking with one of my sons the other day. We were discussing life and dreams, and he asked me about that little house I mentioned earlier. I told him we had been $5,000 apart and that it just wasn’t going to work out.

But it wasn’t my dream home. LOL. What is a dream home at the age of 70 anyway? And it certainly wasn’t mine.

Then something strange came out of my mouth.

I actually said, “Not only is it not my dream home, son, but I don’t have any dreams anymore.”

I couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth. Tears started rolling down my face, and I tried to choke them back so he wouldn’t know. I quickly ended the phone call.

It dawned on me that without the person I thought I was building my dreams with, without the person I thought I was married to, I just don’t seem to have any dreams left.

I have no dreams for myself. No goals. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just existing.

And that’s probably one of the reasons I haven’t written much. Every time I started, it sounded even more gloomy than it does tonight. So consider yourselves lucky that I didn’t publish some of those earlier attempts.

I didn’t come here to cry or whine. I simply wanted to catch up with you, let you know I’m still here, and tell you that I am grateful for the love God continues to show me through His mercy and grace.

Sometimes we fall down, and it takes time to find the strength to get back up.

If any of you were to ask, “Debbie, what is it you need? I’m here for you. I’ll help you any way I can,” I honestly wouldn’t know what to tell you. I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do to fix what I’m feeling right now.

I’m doing my best to pay down the $10,000 in credit card debt that was run up during the time he was here. He left me with that responsibility, and I’ve managed to get it down to $5,700. That’s progress, and I’m thankful for it.

Money is tight, but I realize it is for so many people. I’ve just never had to live on a little over $1,000 a month while carrying a $900 mortgage. Then you add utilities, gasoline for the car, groceries, and all the other expenses of everyday life. It is hard, folks. Really hard.

I’ve spoken with a financial advisor again, and once again, I was told that if I sell my home and go into a rental, I’ll likely pay two and a half to three times what my mortgage payment is now. And within 10 years, I could find myself without much money left.

“Then what will you do?” he asked.

That question scares me.

What I want is to take the equity from this home and put it into something that gives me security. Something where my housing payment isn’t continually climbing like rent does. I want to know that I can afford to live comfortably and not worry every month about whether I’ll have enough.

But those homes are just not out there in my price range.

I was approved for a $60,000 loan through my credit union to go along with the equity I would receive from selling this home. My budget would be somewhere around $220,000, and I haven’t been able to find anything suitable within a 50-mile radius.

That’s how expensive homes have become!

I don’t think I have to tell any of you who are trying to buy a home what the market is like. You already know. With interest rates where they are, even a little house that needs plenty of work can come with a payment of $500 or more, and sometimes it isn’t worth anywhere near what they’re asking.

So, with all of that said, I’m going to leave you with some good news.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good!

I wouldn’t be sitting here tonight sharing even this little bit of my heart with you if it weren’t for the grace of God.

I don’t know how things are going to work out. I don’t know where I’ll be six months from now or what the next chapter of my life will look like.

But I do know this: God hasn’t brought me this far to leave me now.

Things will get better. God knows how, even when I certainly don’t.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings tonight. Thank you for being here, for your kindness, and for allowing me to share a little of my life with you.

Have a wonderful weekend. Stay warm. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do!

I’ll catch up with you again very soon.

With love,

Debbie