Have you ever had so many emotions stirring up all at the same time? Excitement, happiness, love, anger, fear to name a few. Some might say that is not possible, but, I beg to differ with them. Emotions are like a Merry Go Round, the come and go around and around in many of us. Especially is you have things in your life that was much easier to just bury deep within you, rather than deal with it.
Trust me when I say I’ve had things buried so deeply I had forgotten them on a conscious level but subconsciously, they came out in many of those emotions I share in the first paragraph. Those emotions that I described as a Merry Go Round that continue to come and go, up and down around and around. At times it feels like you are on a roller coaster. Much like an amusement park, without the fun.
It takes most of us years and years to get to the root cause of this, and it is usually when you have A.) Finally said that’s it I can’t live like this anymore. B.) Sickness comes at you one right after the other because of the toll it can have on the body. C.) You decide that you no longer have to hold onto anything that doesn’t serve you in a positive way. But, for many years, and for some all their lives you live with hurtful, ugly things that cause you to be emotional.
Oh, sure you have your good days, weeks, etc. but, whatever it is you’re holding onto rears it’s ugly head just when things are starting to get better in your life, why? I use to wonder, why, why can the past not just leave me alone, let me be. My mistakes, my truths about hurt, anger caused by hurt, abuse and more anger for not having a voice in the abuse. It has taken a few years of weekly therapy, yes I am in therapy weekly and it has been part of my healing process.
As human beings we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we either learn from them or continue them. Eventually, we realize that what we are doing is not working and pay attention to the hardships, pray, seek God’s guidance and try to change the way we react to the same emotions. I still have a lot of old issues within me for decades but, when they try to rise up in me, I have learned that I can deal with them in other ways. Like, my thinking about one issue that caused me so much hurt, pain, shame from my childhood. I have since learned that I was a child, I was 5, it was not my fault, I did nothing to cause myself any of that.
I put the blame where it goes and that is away from me. I am learning to heal the shame that had me in bondage for so many years by realizing that people are not perfect, and in fact can be something from pure evil to mental illness to sadly repeating what had caused them so much pain. Either way, once we understand that we have nothing to be ashamed of, we were the ones violated in whatever way that hurt us, we are no longer the victims but the victors.
Amen to that, the VICTORS will rise up and share that when you have been deeply scarred and feel the shame of that pain, there is HOPE. First of all my HOPE comes from Christ, who gave me the wisdom to seek the help that saw the pain and allowed me to see it for what it really was. It belongs to the one that caused the pain, not to me. it no longer has a place in my life or a life of its own. It can be described as an addiction of sorts, something that keeps you from really enjoying your life might keep you angry for no reason you can see, but you feel that anger and shame daily. Yes for a few moments you can let it go but it can take on a life of its own as mine did.
Through the Grace of God, and weekly sections I’ve learned that I am worthy, I am loved, I am good, I am beautiful, I am thoughtful, I am caring and I am free from the shame that once had me so bound I displayed all those emotions at once and thought maybe I am bipolar, yes, give it a name so we can move forward, but that was not it’s name. I am not bipolar, I was abused and it stunted my emotional growth for years and years. I struggled every day of my life. Now at 64, I am understanding that that 5-year-old did nothing wrong, she deserved none of that but, the blame doesn’t belong to her then or me now. We, she and I have set ourselves free. Praise the Lord, there is always HOPE. I never gave up on HOPE, somehow I knew I would make it to the other side, thank you, God.
There is one thing I would ask anyone that has lived through this or any kind of abuse. What would you say to that little girl, adolescent, teen, young adult, or woman within? Depending on when your abuse started. For me I made sure the little girl in me knew I loved her, she was safe with and in me. She did nothing wrong and she was loved by me.
God Bless-